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‘No, your right,’ I encouraged her. ‘That is exactly what the Christmas is. It is the expression of love.’ My mom smiled, her eyes hopeful again. I spent Christmas Eve moving from nurse to doctor to specialist. I was passed around like a hot potato. Each moved about my body which was less and less my own and then tossing me to the next, not willing to let my death happen on their watch. Death. I rarely let the word come into my mind. I had adopted other phrases such as passing on, sleeping. My brother would let one phrase pass his lips angrily as he dreamed: ‘giving up’. I didn’t see it as giving up. I wanted to wait, to be available for him, to live. But everything had a road of its own, a path I had never thought to take. I paid no mind to the timeline the doctors had given my parents, every hour was like a day, every minute like an hour. ‘A week,’ I heard him say and my mother gasp, crying into my father’s shoulder. Even though I did not see them. I knew that my twin stalked. I mean, it’s clear that there are plenty of reasons we shouldn’t be together the way we are. Good reasons. Wise reasons. But then again, they haven’t exactly stopped either of us, have they? Maybe the only actual solution is time.Eventually, no matter how long we conspire to drag this out, I have to go back home. And then what? I can’t ask Kathryn to go with me unless she decides to leave Bill, and despite her frustration — which is only going to increase if he’s away as much as he says he’s going to be — I don’t see that happening. Things would have to get a lot worse between them, and if it came to a full-blown marital crisis I doubt he’d choose work over her. How could he? Nor is she the type to give up that easily, either.Anyway, what would I have to offer her? Years of skulking around friends and family who will see me as the bad guy, me as the other man, me as the one who broke up an otherwise happy marriage. How could that sort of life possibly appeal to her?On the other.
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